Seasons greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work at the North Pole, making presents for all you good boys and girls. But this year, Santa will come down the chimney a little gingerly, because Santa is very sore from attempting to regrow his foreskin!You see, boys and girls, Santa might look merry while he smiles and eats cookies and milk in his big red suit, but beneath it all, Im sad. Im sad because my peppermint stick no longer has any of its special candy coating on the end that makes Santa feel extra good during sexual intercourse.Many, many years ago, something terrible happened to your old friend Santa. Like so many beautiful babies, I was born with a gift between my legs that was wrapped in very sensitive paper called the frenulum. But soon after, some naughty doctors tore it off, exposed my glans, and hurt my penis very badly!That terrible Christmas morning, Old St. Nick lost 70% of the feeling in his genitals. So for Santa, sex and masturbation havent been so holly or jolly!Ho, ho, ho! Thats why Im trying to manually stimulate regrowth by strapping a weighted ornament to the end of my Christmas tree for at least 15 minutes, three times a day!Santa has made his list and checked it twice, and the arguments against male circumcision just keep on growing. These sick, twisted parents claim they mutilate their babys genitals for healthto prevent smegma and to protect against STIs. But we know the truth, boys and girls. Theres no AIDS or cancer on the North Pole!Why do so many people consider the cut penis to be nice and the uncut penis to be naughty? If anything, its the other way around!My dear sweet little sugar plums, there is no world in which a baby can consent to a painful medical procedure like circumcision. Santa wishes he could go back in time and give whatever sick fuck chopped off the tens of thousands of nerve endings in his foreskin a huge lump of coal.But instead, Old Kris Kringle will spend the holiday season building a dual-tension tugging device in order to elongate his penile skin while it is both flaccid and erect. And gosh, if that doesnt work, the elves will have to give his Yule log painful reconstructive surgery!Beneath the Christmas lights, you can still see tiny marks where the doctor stitched up poor Santas surgical incisions all those years ago. The only Christmas miracle is that Santa can still manage to orgasm at all!As hard as she tries, Mrs. Claus simply doesnt understand. Underneath the mistletoe, shes told Santa that she actually prefers the look of his circumcised penis. But when Old Mrs. Claus was born, she wasnt taken from her crib and immediately forced to have her Christmas ham spiralized and honey-roasted!No, she can still feel everything!Just once Id like to go down the chimney and feel every brick, every crack, and every groove. Why, Santa having sex without his foreskin is like Rudolph trying to lead Santas sleigh without his big red nose!Believe me, boys and girls, theres nothing that Santa hasnt tried to regrow his Christmas tree. Hes tried manually pulling. Hes tried foreskin tape. Why, hes even tried tying his penile skin to a special device called a Foreballs, which he then attached to the back of his sleigh!On Dancer, on Prancer, on Donner, on Vixenmake Santas old penis be covered in thick skin!So this year, instead of leaving out cookies, Santa would appreciate it if you instead took the time to educate yourself. Because sometimes the best gift isnt a train set or roller skates or a dolly. Its the freedom to un-mutilate your genitals with Santas Ultraskin ManHood Restorer, a gadget made right here in my workshop!Ho, ho, ho-owwwwww! The weight is snagged on Santas pants. Hold on. Elves, stop loading up the sleigh and come and release the clamps.Now, go boys and girls! Tell everyone what Santa taught you today! Because having an uncircumcised candy cane isnt weird. But mutilating your sons is.Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!The post Ho, Ho, Ho! Im Regrowing My Foreskin! appeared first on The Onion.

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TORONTOAccusing the HBO drama of egregiously misrepresenting their experiences off the ice, the National Hockey League Players Association blasted Heated Rivalry Friday for what it described as incredibly unrealistic depictions of anal sex between players. The shows portrayals of hockey players having sex with each other are wildly misinformed, and we are disappointed by the producers utter failure to accurately represent what we do to each other behind locker room doors on a daily basis, read a statement cosigned by each of the NHLPAs more than 750 active players, adding that the series glitzy, overwrought lovemaking scenes miss the mark on even the most basic details regarding the day-in, day-out sexual encounters that define their lives between games. Yes, its true that we as professional hockey players spend the majority of our free time cramming our cocks into each others hot, hungry assholesthe show gets that right. But beyond that, every instance of anal sex you see on screen is pure fiction. Its clear they didnt bother consulting any actual hockey players, as the butt-fucking on the show could not be further from what really occurs. The statement went on to say that while the shows anal sex scenes are ludicrous, its depictions of oral sex between hockey players are pretty much spot-on.The post Hockey Players Blast Heated Rivalry For Unrealistic Depiction Of Anal Sex appeared first on The Onion.

Secretary of State Marco Rubio ordered diplomatic correspondences to cease the use of Calibri font and revert to Times New Roman, attributing the previous change by the Biden Administration to misguided diversity initiatives. What do you think?The people of Calibria wont be happy with this.Rosemary Stern, Truffle GarnisherAnd after all that time I spent learning how to read in Calibri.Danny Bodjanac, Timpani TunerWhile were at it, I dont like Garamond. Its condescending.Alberto Esposito, Essay ReviewerThe post State Department Reinstates Times New Roman Font Over DEI Concerns appeared first on The Onion.

MACKINSHAW, NEEmphasizing that he didnt want to seem paranoid but it was the only way he could make sense of it all, high school senior Geoffrey Lesseder stated Monday that he was starting to suspect the three school shootings he had been in might be about him. At first I thought it was due to a lack of universal background checks, but now it feels personal, said Lesseder, adding that despite attending multiple high schools in states with vastly different gun laws, high-caliber rifle bullets always seemed to fly in classrooms when he was present. I dont want to be too self-centered, but what is the common thread that connects all these shootings, if not me? God, do all these shooters just think Im annoying? I especially got weird vibes from that last onethe way he glared at me as I was clamoring past my dying classmates toward the supply closet it was like he hated me or something. At press time, Lesseder had reportedly decided he would know for sure if there was a fourth school shooting in his vicinity.The post Student Whos Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him appeared first on The Onion.

WAYNE, NEAfter coming together and pooling resources to save Christmas for the towns most impoverished family, a tight-knit Nebraska community reportedly did jack shit this week to make the holiday better for its second-poorest family. Getting to see the smiles on the Turner kids faces when they realized they were going to have a merry Christmas after all was a heartwarming moment that made me feel proud to live in a small town like ours, said elementary school teacher Linda Clark, who sure as fuck didnt bake a Christmas ham for the Hoffman family two blocks away, who are functionally just as poor. The holidays are a time when we make sure were looking out for the least fortunate members of our community. As for the second-least, well, its a slippery slope. I mean, if you spend all day decorating a Christmas tree for the second-poorest family, then the third-poorest is going to want help buying presents, and pretty soon youre on the hook for everybody, which, come on, sounds like a total nightmare. Of course, we wanted to help the Hoffmans out, but after all the charitable acts we just did for the Turners in order to emulate Christ during this season of giving, we were pretty wiped out. But if theres one thing I know about our little town, its that if youre down on your luck enough to be clearly the worst one off, well be there to lift you up. At press time, reports confirmed the Hoffman family was looking through a window at the town Christmas party being thrown for the Turners, which they had not been invited to attend.The post Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Towns Second-Poorest Family appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTONPraising the recipients for their acts of true Americancowardice, President Donald Trump proudly announced a new Dodger Dividend on Wednesday night for anyone who successfully avoided military service. Today, we celebrate the millions of patriots willing to step up and do whatever it takes to avoid being shipped off to war and getting themselves killed, Trump said in a primetime televised address, claiming that the $1,776 payments were the least he could do for those willing to risk everything by faking a medical condition, falsifying a student deferment, or forging National Guard reserve-duty papers on behalf of the nation. Whether their wealthy father paid a doctor to claim they had bone spurs, or they got drunk and shot a bullet straight through their foot,or they spent an entire week soiling their pants before visiting the draft office, theseAmericans deserve every penny. To those who claimed family hardship after backing their car over their grandmother in the driveway, we salute you. Youve earned it. Trump added that he would also be awarding a Deserter Dividend to anyone who willfully abandoned their post or went AWOL while serving.The post Trump Announces New Dodger Dividend For Anyone Who Avoided Military Service appeared first on The Onion.

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NAPERVILLE, ILScurrying into the alley as employees chased her with a broom, Aldi CEO Atty McGrath reportedly had to be shooed away Tuesday after she was seen rummaging through the dumpsters behind a local Whole Foods. We keep finding her rooting around our bins looking for food items she can stock her shelves with, said assistant manager Ed Ruiz, describing multiple occasions upon which team members had found the discount grocery chains top executive peeling the 365 labels off expired cans of beans or scraping mold off a carton of raspberries. I personally dont mind if our excess food can be used to feed hungry Aldi shoppers, but it becomes a safety issue when she starts approaching our customers and trying to sell them a bruised cantaloupe she scavenged for 39 cents a pound. Everyone can hear her banging around in the garbage and rattling on about sell-by dates being merely a suggestion. Were going to have to start locking the bins at night to keep her out. At press time, the CEOs of Dollar Tree and Dollar General had been spotted behind an Aldi dumpster in Cleveland wrestling over a package of broken clothes hangers.The post Aldi CEO Chased Off From Whole Foods Dumpsters appeared first on The Onion.